Due to the pandemic, Elaine finds herself spending Christmas alone with her dog, Fern. As they drink bourbon together (no worries, Fern is 21 in dog years), Elaine’s dog reveals that a project she’s been working on at the Air Bud Science Academy may have resulted in the cure for COVID-19. Elaine does *not* think this is true, but unfortunately for her, the all-powerful Father Time of 2020 catches wind of this and kidnaps Fern to stop her from ruining his scheme: to create the worst year ever and to stop 2021 from ever coming!
Elaine sets off to find Santa to help save Fern and 2021, but after a miscalculation, she finds herself trapped in Frost Port, the town where sad, scary, and gory Christmas stories are exiled. With the help of some unruly and murderous characters, Elaine fights to free herself from Frost Port, save Fern, and *GASP* TIME ITSELF! Can she reach Father Time before the clock strikes twelve? How many organs will she lose along the way? And seriously, how does this magical vodka go down so smoothly?
Here is the ENTIRE SCRIPT HAHAHA
THE COVID CHRISTMAS
We enter the scene to the sounds of a crackling fire and some muted Christmas music. Elaine sighs heavily. The sound of Christmas decorations being put up is heard in the mic as well.
Elaine: I guess it’s just you and me for the Holidays this year, Fern. Do you want another bourbon on the rocks?
Fern responds by the jingle of her collar. From here on out, I’ll only write “Fern jingles.”
E: Okay, I’ll get myself another one as well. Might as well be merry for the whole family, even though we can’t see them!
E: I know, I know, it sucks that Cousin Percy decided to lick every door knob in his building and tested positive for COVID after exposing the whole family. He’s still recovering from Miley Cyrus’ Bangerz era. But don’t worry, this Christmas won’t be as depressing as it seems. I’ve put up the plastic Christmas tree that only has half of it’s lights working, I’ve put out the presents that you didn’t chew, I have the fireplace going–
E: Okay, I have the 10 hour video loop of a fireplace on in the background. Sheesh. All I’m saying is that even though we’re gonna be alone this year, I think we can still have a good time. This year has been so stressful and heavy and messy that I think it’ll honestly be nice to have a few quiet days to ourselves. Cheers!
E: Oh, that’s right! How’s your Coronavirus research going? I’m so proud that you made it into the Air Bud Science Academy.
E: Spit take. WHAT?! What do you mean you found the cure for COVID?
E: That’s…that’s impossible. You’re a dog!
E: I know what I said, I’m still proud of you and believe in you but to be fair, I’m not quite sure how you were able to come up with a cure so fast when humans that have thumbs and doctorates are still working on it with diligence. Are you messing with me?
E: Okay, if it hasn’t been tested, Fern, then you can’t claim that you have the cure.
E: No, Fern, you can not “smell” COVID. You’re not a bomb dog. I’m sorry.
E: Well, if you really think you have the cure, then let’s go contact the CDC and have you explain that you, a dog, have come up with a cure for COVID-19.
Fern jingles indignantly.
E: FINE. We’ll wait until tomorrow when it’s not Christmas. Come on, let’s go for a walk. This bourbon is heating me up.
Fern and Elaine leave the door and suddenly hear ominous thunder and a booming voice.
Elaine gasps!: Ack! What is that? Who are you?
Herbert: Me? Who am I? Ignorant fool. I am TIME.
E: That doesn’t explain anything!
H: I am the ruler of each passing minute!!
E: I…I don’t follow.
Herbert: I’m….like, I’m time. I’m time’s daddy-
E: Ew, what?
Herbert: . I AM FATHER TIME. The original babe chosen to oversee 2020, aging as the year progressed. And everything has been going according to plan until you had to ruin it.
E: What did I do?
H: Not YOU! You, quivering little dog. Not so powerful now are we, Ficus?
H: Fern? Whatever. I can’t have you curing coronavirus. That just won’t do at all.
E: How do you know my dog has a hypothetical cure? And why does it matter? No offense to Fern but she is a dog, so while she claims to have the cure, I highly doubt it’s real.
H: SILENCE. You cannot save your beast from the danger she has put herself in. She is trying to ruin a SCHEME I’ve been plotting in my Erin Condren planner ALL YEAR!
E: Maybe a few deep breaths could-
Herbert unleashes a weird warlock cry (up for interpretation on what that sounds like). Lightening flashes, and Herbert picks up Fern into his arms.
E: Fern! No!
H: 2020 is going to continue to be the worst year. FOR ALL ETERNITY. I wouldn’t bother celebrating New Years. 2021 won’t be coming anytime soon.
E: What do you mean?
H: Now that I’ve stopped the cure from going public, I can continue with my plan to become the ultimate Father Time: overseer of all ages. You all whined so much at the beginning of this year about how awful it was…it made me so mad. Angry. FURIOUS. I decided that if I could not be the best year, then I would make myself the worst year. The best at being the worst! Flat Earthers, Facebook posts, toilet paper–I did it ALL!
E: My GOD, you’re evil!
H: [Sarcastically] Why, THANK YOU. Such a com pliment coming from a nobody. You can’t even stop me. And Ficus here is about to become a part of my zoo. [Oddly enthusiastic now]. I collect animals, you know. Box turtles, mud turtles, spotted turtles…
E: Stop! Bring her back!
Herbert begins to fly toward the sky.
H: Well, it looks like our TIME has run out! [chuckles]. Ta ta!
Swirling sounds as Herbert kidnaps Fern and disappears.
E: No, no, no, no! What kind of an idiot thinks a dog has a cure for the pandemic? I have to do something.
The “light bulb” sound goes on.
E: Wait, this is perfect! [Shuffling sounds–we’re indoors now btw]. Aha, yes! The Candy Doomsday Cane I got from last year’s Secret Santa! I can travel to Santa’s workshop in case there is ever a magical crisis affecting the world. Man, my gift of fuzzy socks was really lame compared to this completely awesome and totally real gift I have. I never thought I’d use it but it seems I need Santa to save not only Christmas, but Time! Right, Fern?
E: Oh…right. I have to get moving to save Fern. [Unwraps candy cane. Reads instructions]. “To activate the Candy Doomsday Cane take a bite of the candy and make a wish that you were in Santa’s workshop.”
That’s really weird but I really don’t have a lot of options
Elaine bites into the candy. Hopeful music swells.
E chants: I wish to save Fern. I wish to see Santa. I wish to stop Father Time 2020. I wish…
Snow flurries and Elaine is taken on a ride to a snowy village where she is dropped off at the entrance. There is a sign above but it is covered in snow.
E: Wow, I can’t believe that actually worked! This must be Santa’s village. Yes, all those log cabins. Oh, look, someone is coming up to greet me! Hello!
Snegurochka–the tale of a Snow Maiden in Russia–skips up to Elaine looking happy. Snegurochka is giddy, her voice higher pitched, soft–contrasting her tragic story which she will casually comment about. Will be jarring. Heh heh heh.
S: Oh, my! It’s been so long since we’ve had anyone new come into town. The others will be so excited! You’re lucky that I was out picking berries and I saw you. When I first arrived, no one saw me for a week! I was stuck in the snow. To be fair, I am half-snow person so I blend in with the scenery. Luckily, I’m immor tal so I was fine. Or unlucky, I suppose! I could have suffered for all eternity. [Charming giggle]. My name is Snegurochka! What is yours?
E: My name is Elaine!
S: Oh, what a pretty name! I once had a cow back at the village I grew up in–well, I didn’t grow up there, I grew up in a cave protected by wood goblins and bears, but anywho, once I was sent to live with mortals THEN there was a cow I tended to and I loved that cow so much and named her Moloko* but I think Elaine would have been a much prettier name!
[*Milk in Russian]
E: Oh, how…thank you. [Clears throat]. I can’t believe the elves left you out here for that long. Were they on strike?
S: The elves?
E: Yes, Santa’s elves. Maybe they have poor vision from working so closely on toys all day. Anyway, I need to see Santa immediately. We have a crisis.
S: [Crestfallen]. Oh, I see. I’m sorry to say you’re in the wrong place then.
E: Is this just the town leading up to the workshop? Can you point me in the right direction? I know it’s dark, but I think it’ll be fine. It’s the North Pole, after all. Going out in a blizzard in the dark with no coat shouldn’t be a problem for me!
S: No, what I mean to say is that you are in completely the wrong place. I’ve heard rumor that Santa’s workshop is hidden miles from here.
E: But, the Candy Doomsday Cane was supposed to take me to Santa! I need him, it’s crucial!
S: May I see?
E hands S the candy cane.
S: [Tuts]. I think I see what happened. You’re in distress?
E: Yes! And I don’t have much time, which is ironic because Father Time is the one who is ruining everything.
S: Herbert? His plan is actually working? I don’t want to sound mean, but I always thought he was…pathetic, I think is a nice way to put it. He used to skulk around here as a baby before he was chosen for 2020. I’ve never seen a baby smoke that much before. Oh, I see your face–Time Babies aren’t like human babies. They age in a different way than we do. When Herbert was an infant, he was perhaps…twenty in your years?
E: I…am very confused.
S: It’s similar to dog years, you see–
E: No, not about that, though that is really weird and I feel uncomfortable about it. But no, I’m confused why Father Time, Herbert, would be at the North Pole. I mean, where am I?
S: I am afraid you’re far from where you want to be and are, instead, where you’re meant to be.
E: What does that mean?
S: The magical candy cane sensed your sorrow. It foretold your story, and therefore you were sent here. To stay.
E: To stay? No, I have to go get Fern!
S: I love plants, too. But it is our fate to remain here once we arrive.
E: Why? I don’t understand. Am I trapped here? Where am I?
S: You are in Frost Port: The Dark Tales of Christmas.
E: What?? N-no.
S: Please, you are getting cold! Let’s go to my cabin. It’s not as nice as my cave used to be. Oh, that cave was marvelous. Though it was stifling living there all by myself until I was 16. I only had the bears and wood goblins who guarded me for company, and you can imagine the conversation wasn’t that stimulating.
E: This isn’t happening…[Burrs]. I guess I don’t have Santa’s magic to keep me warm out here after all. It’d be great to go to your place.
Snow crunching, fire cracking.
E: So, I’m in Frost Port. What exactly is this place?
S: It’s where the sad, mournful, and haunting Christmas stories are sent. We’re kept here so we don’t dampen the spirit of the holidays.
E: You can’t leave?
S: Alas, we cannot. I have tried. I turned back into snow. It was unpleasant.
E: Well, how do I leave then?
S: You don’t.
E: But I’m not a sad Christmas story, I’m just a human.
S: It doesn’t matter who you are. It’s the story that counts, and it sounds like you have become a sad Christmas tale.
E: No, not at all! I was having a lovely morning with my dog! Sure, we were alone because a global pandemic made it impossible to see my family, and I only had instant mashed potatoes ready for dinner, and then Father Time came out of nowhere and kidnapped my dog and then told me he plans on making 2020 last forever.
S: [Sighs]. I am very sorry that you are trapped here. But, at least we have each other!
E: You seem so happy for a sad story.
S: Thank you!
E: If you don’t mind me asking, what was your sad story?
S: [Gets excited]. No one ever asks about my story! Of course I will tell you! I originally come from Russia. You can tell by my accent, can’t you? [Elaine mumbles because Sneg has 100% not had a Russian accent this entire time]. My mother and father were Spring the Beauty and Ded Moroz . Though Ded Moroz could have been my grandfather, it’s unclear.
S: I never bothered to ask. Anywho, Ded Moroz is similar to Santa in many ways. He dabbles sometimes more in New Years than Christmas, but that was because the Soviet Union banned Christmas for a few years there. Oh, what a silly time! Anway, my parents made me with MAGIC and SNOW, and that’s how I became Snegurochka, the Snow Maiden. To protect me, they kept me in that wonderful cave. My life was peaceful there! But everything changed when I turned 16. At that point, I had become lonely and wanted to know what it would be like to live a normal life. So, I asked to go live with the humans and my parents accepted. I walked to the nearest village when I met the people who would become my human parents, a drunkard and a tired old woman. Oh, what fun we had dragging Papa through the snow covered streets as he flailed and pissed himself. [Sigh]. They were wonderful. And then, I met a boy.
E: Oh dear.
S: No, not a deer–a boy. His name was Lel. I liked him but I could not love. You see, I was made of snow. Snow cannot love. And I can see now how self centered Lel was. He would flirt with me and then run off to the village girls when they beckoned him. But Lel knew how to play the flute and that was incredibly enticing. You know how it goes with musicians. [Giggles]. But he was not the one for me. But I did hurt him when he confessed his love to me and I could reciprocate his feelings. I thought something was wrong with me. It turned out that as long as I was a Snow Maiden, immortal, I would never know what love was. I begged my mother to let me have love.
E: And you said your mother was Nature?
S: Not quite–my mother is Spring the Beauty. She let me have a heart and I fell in love, but with another man. I’d met him earlier and he was going to marry someone else but I accidentally stole her beloved when he caught sight of me and my blinding beauty. Of course, I didn’t have my heart yet so when he ungraciously and publicly left her to claim my heart, I ran away to the forest for I did not know what love was and it was overwhelming, and the man followed me. I hid by a pond, and it was there that my mother granted my wish. She said the first man I would see I would fall in love with. So, after he was done chasing me through the woods as male companions are known to do, I too fell instantly in love upon first sight.
E: That’s…that’s not normal, actually.
S: I was so in love that I started to melt. He asked me to marry him in front of the Sun, a ritual we had, and I told him it would kill me because my mother, for some reason, added a deathly consequence to my wish. But he was so suave and handsome and just, you know, the first man I’d ever seen with a heart, so I agreed to go before the sun.
[S’s tone turns sad]. I died in his arms, drifting into the wind.[Matter-of-factly]. He then dramatically screeched and jumped off a cliff.
E: Oh. Oh wow. That’s…drastic.
S: Indeed. Now if only I could remember his name….
E: So after you died, you became the Snow Maiden once more?
S: Yes. I awoke here and have been in Frost Port ever since.
Contemplative silence that will be added in later teehee.
E: Have you ever tried to change your story to make it happier?
S: I imagine everyone in Frost Port has tried in one way or another. You can’t change the past and there isn’t much of a future here. Besides, what would we really do on the outside? No one wants to hear our stories. We depress people. We keep them up at night with fear. Frost Port is a haven in that sense. We at least have each other.
E: So that’s it? Y’all are stuck here because one bad thing happened; something went wrong; someone went after you; and you’re just banished eternally?
S: So far, yes. Vodka?
E: . Well, I’m not accepting it. Maybe some people have told you they don’t want the dark side of Christmas told, but let me tell you, people LOVE scary stories. They’re attracted to drama. God, if anything, you’d be a hit this year.
S: You mean…people might care to hear about us?
E: Yes! I mean, your story for example. I have so many concerning follow up questions. Why were you left in a cave if you’re a demi-god? Can’t you fend for yourself? Why did that guy chase you through the woods? You captured my attention! Your vodka, by the way, is amazing.
S: Thank you! My spirit reindeer helps distill it for me. My, my, so people might actually like us afterall? Incredible!
E: Who is the one keeping you all prisoner?
S: We don’t quite know but our hunch has been Santa or someone from the Time Guild.
E: What’s the Time Guild?
S: It’s a group of people who watch over time. Santa is a member since he knows everything – sees you when you’re sleeping, etc. etc.
E: Wait! Someone who oversees time? That could be Herbert! He’s Father Time–he probably has a lot of power in his hands!
S: In the big hand and the little hand?? OH MY! That would make sense. We have different stories that end up here throughout the years, and some come and go. It’s entirely up to the incumbent Father time and what his views are on tragic tales. Some stories are originally deemed suitable, such as many of the Grimm stories back in the day. Then, there was a wave of people who thought they were horrifying. Those stories came to live with us, and they were almost forgotten. Your people created softer, happier versions of these stories. No one wanted the hard truth of the classic tale. Whoever watches over the year decides who will end up in Frost Port.
E: That’s it, then! We find Herbert, destroy him, and you all are free!
S: But we can’t leave.
Music swells. E: Have you ever had hope when you tried to leave?
Music abruptly stops.
S: That’s honestly the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. “Hope?” I burned to death in the sun because a man wouldn’t listen to me. Hope? Ha! Do you feel hopeful?
E: I feel…well. I actually feel angry. Very angry.
S: Yes! I…Yes, I think I am feeling that too, now. I haven’t really felt anger before. It burns, it’s pulsing it’s…my, I want to punch something.
E: Do it!
S punches E.
E: OH MY GOD, NOT ME OW.
S: Oh, NYET! I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry. But that was also so much fun. Hahah! Perhaps you’re right about the mindset. I was very weak when I tried to go through. But now my RAGE FUELS ME.
E: That’s great! I mean, in the long run it’s kind of unhealthy but I’m desperate here.
S: I curse Herbert and all he has done! He resides not too far from here atop a mountain. His icy castle is guarded by unsavory creatures. Father Time still resides within the bounds of Frost Port so it shouldn’t be too strenuous for us to travel there, though it could be dangerous. But if we get through, we can save your Fern plant and hopefully save your world.
E: What’s Herbert’s biggest weakness?
S: If he wants to keep time eternal, then it’s the Hourglass. The sands of time keep falling until none is left. That is when Herbert would pass the year onto Baby New Year, flipping the hourglass once more.
E: What if Herbert stops it from flipping?
S: Then there is no new year.
E: So we need to make sure that hourglass is flipped. Do you know how it functions?
S: All I know is that the sand in the hourglass reflects and works based on the personality of Father Time. The sands are the thoughts and hopes Father Time has for the year. It’s not the same as making something happen, but he can heavily influence events and outcomes based on his hourglass.
E: What would happen if you messed with the sand?
S: Well, I’ve heard different stories over the years. If you remove the sand, time stops. If someone were to tamper with the sand, it would affect the current Father Time along with his influence on the world.
E: Okay, okay, okay…give me three more shots of vodka and I think I have a plan.
Shots taken lolz.
E: It is shocking how much this is not affecting me right now.
S: It will come.
E: So, THE PLAN! If Herbert is so bent on spreading lies to the world, then we need to help reveal the truth. If we can fix the sand in his hourglass, then we can stop Herbert from creating an eternal year of damnation. We can make sure the hourglass turns for 2021!
S: This sounds like a foolish plan. I love foolish plans! What do we need?
E: Okay, so truth…we can get the truth out of him by…by…by getting him drunk!! We need alcohol and TONS OF IT. And I have learned a lot about cleaning lately due to our global pandemic. Let’s see, in terms of germs and COVID, we’ll need some lysol wipes and hand sanitizer. After that, I guess anything we can use to defend ourselves would be perfect. Can we use your vodka, Snegurochka?
S: Alas, I don’t have enough for what you’re talking about. But, I do know someone who does.
E: Who is it?
S: Follow me. I’ll take you to her.
Snegurochka and Elaine walk through the snow to a rundown cabin. Sneg knocks three times and then stands back.
E: So who is she?
S: She’ll tell you.
The door creeks open and they see this: a beaked nose made of iron, dressed in rags, perhaps carrying a cane, and generally resembles a decrepit old crone. But this old crone packs a mighty wallop…. and carries a long knife hidden under her skirt.
Frau Perchta: Who DARES call upon me at this hour?
E: Oh my god, it’s hideous!
Frau Perchta: WHAT DID YOU SAY!?
S: Sorry for the intrusion, Frau Perchta.
P: I don’t want to buy any cookies from you, Icicle Whore!
S: We’ve come here on urgent business!
P: We? [Frau Perchta leans over and looks at S and then E, the new comer]. Who is this? The girl who wore thimbles on all of her fingers and played tap dance on tables?
E: You have horns. Goat horns. Out of your head.
P [To herself]: No, no–Melinda lost her fingers after a toaster accident. This one has all of her fingers…for now.
S: Frau Perchta, this is Elaine! She’s new and has an idea on how to free all the dark Christmas stories from Frost Port!
P: [Evil cackles]. You have GOT to be joking. That is the most extraordinary thing I have ever heard. [Sniffs the air]. Wait. [Sniff sniff]. You…
P: You. I can smell it on you. YOU HAVE NOT SPUN ALL OF YOUR FLAX!
Angry wails and music breaks in. It’s like Hell’s gates have been opened.
P: YOU DARE THINK WEAVING IS SOMETHING TO TRIFLE WITH? I may stand before you with my goat horns, my iron beak, my rags, my spikey teeth, but I still have THE RIGHT to judge WOMEN on their WEAVING AND OVERALL CLEANLINESS.
E [Frantic]: We don’t weave anymore! Or, I don’t at least. We don’t need to. All I know is that flax was a superfood at one point.
P [Lowered voice from before, creepy]: Do you know what I do to people who do not spin their flax? Who do not keep a clean house? To those who dare defy me?
E: Um…you put coal in their stocking?
P: [Quiet laugh]. No. [Now, let it it OUT]. What I do is I sneak into your bedroom at night, use THIS knife [sheath sound] to then SPLIT YOU OPEN, REMOVE YOUR ORGANS, AND FILL YOUR BODY WITH STONES, HAY, AND MANURE.
E: Holy fuck
S: You never mentioned manure before.
P: DON’T test me Snorkel. You should have been disemboweled ages ago.
S: [Clears throat]. Frau Perchta, have you had your porridge yet?
P: My PORRIDGE? Have I had MY PORRIDGE YET? We care about my PORRIDGE when this TRAMP has not SPUN HER FUCKING FLAX?!
S: I will go make you some. [Snegurochka to Elaine] Frau Perchta has a fondness for porridge.
E: Snegurochka, please don’t leave me!
S: I’ll get you some, too!
Elaine is now alone with Frau Perchta. It’s uncomfortable.
P: I bet you leave your clothes on the floor and cringe slightly at your trash but never take it out. I be your LOOM is INFESTED WITH TERMITES!
E: Wow. That hit home, Frau Perchta.
P: Hmph. You deserve a punishment for your lazy ways.
E [frantically]: I’m, uh, sorry that I haven’t spun my flax. I’ve just arrived here and my dog has been kidnapped because she has the cure for a virus that has infected the world and Father Time, Herbert, he took her and he’s planning on making 2020 last forever and, and, and, it’s just a lot.
P: HERBERT. That little fuck. If he wasn’t Time Guild blood, I’d have sent my minions upon him. You’ve interacted with him? You engaged with HERBERT? YOU HERBERT’S FRIEND OR SOMETHING?
S: Frau Perchta! I have your porridge here.
P: MY PORRIDGE? [P is instantly soothed by the sight of the porridge. Her tone shifts to a baby talk–the way people talk to their pets. It’s unsettling.]. Oh, porridge! Delicious, scrumptious, mushy porridge. How I missed you. Mwha, mwha, mwha.
Perchta goes to gobble up her porridge. Please make some gobbling sounds. In the episode, Elaine and Sneguorchka will speak to each other during the porridge gobbling. For recording, we’ll let Perchta do her thang and then go into this convo:
E: Is she kissing her porridge?
S: Yes, it appears she is. How unsettling.
E: How does she eat it through her giant beak? Does she even have a tongue?
S: I’ve never gotten close enough to see it, though I have inspected my Spirit Reindeer’s mouth all the time, for how can he eat whole logs of wood and it goes nowhere? Such a mystery!
E: Why does she love porridge so much?
S: Others who are less fortunate than you leave porridge out as an offering to Frau Perchta so she doesn’t remove their organs in a gruesome manner. To be fair, I love porridge as much as the next peasant girl. Except I was never quite a peasant, was I? Was I a princess? Or just a goddess? Perhaps a demon to the village girl. I took her love and then he ran off a cliff. Who am I?
E: That’s not really important– [cut of Elaine]
P: AHHHH, that was DELICIOUS. I feel great. I will let it slide that you are hoarding mongrels, Snorkels.
P: Your reindeer and your new friend.
S: Oh! Well, of course! Anytime! I would like to say that I tend to respond better when people pronounce my name correctly. Tee-hee.
P: Oh, Snorkels, you frail little pile of snow, how your timidness delights me.
S: I’m…not that girl anymore!
Perchta laughs LOUDLY.
S: I’m…I’m not! You can’t call me Snorkels anymore! When you do, it makes me…it makes me….
S: [Very nicely] Yes, thank you, Elaine! [Mean] It makes me MAD. AHHHHH.
Snegurochka smacks the empty bowl out of Perchta’s hands.
P: What did you just do?
S is in a panic: I am SO SORRY! Oh my, I haven’t learned how to control this new feeling. It’s overwhelming….but so much more fun than love felt!
E: This is becoming a bigger concern sooner than I thought.
P: You are lucky you just fed me or I would have smacked you across the face with my giant talons.
S: For a creature who focus on cleanilnss, your nails are atrocious! Look at all that grime in the nailbed!
Frau Perchta growls.
S [in a quiet voice]: I’m done now.
P: Hmph. It is in the past now. Your sniveling friend over here was telling me about Herbert.
E: Yes, and my name is Elaine, while we’re clearing up titles. [Sees Perchta’s face]. Ha, right, not important…anyway, we need to make sure the Hourglass is spun for Baby New Year. Since the Hourglass takes after the current Father Time, right now that Hourglass is churning out lies, deceit, and chaos. If we can get Herbert to stop the lies and idiocy he’s created, we may be able to save 2021.
P: Why should I care?
E: You could be free from Frost Port! You would no longer be trapped and could go…back to whatever scary thing it was you were doing before.
P: I AM ALREADY SCARY! I do not need you, fresh meat, to tell me what to do! Besides, no one wants Frau Perchta to return. They are happy being calm and free of a witch in their world. Building stuffed bears, snuggling fake infants…They disgust me. I will never be given porridge from those fast food gremlins.
E: That’s not true!
P: I will literally throw a crate of stones at your body if you do not leave me alone.
E: No, people love witches! Have you ever heard of the musical Wicked? It changes the narrative of an old story where the witch was bad. In Wicked, it shows her real life and how she helped in her own way. Hocus Pocus, crystals and shit, trust me – people would love to know you again!
P: You think that if I were able to leave Frost Port–which I don’t think is possible–that I could not only hoard organs again, but people would like me for it?
E: Well, like is a strong word. I think they would be more excited to know of you. Maybe not, you know, face to face as you rip into their innards.
P: Huh. I’ve never considered that I could leave and actually have a place outside of Frost Port. It’s been so long since I actually got to perform my hunt on the plebes. I miss the smiles of the good who I left silver coins for. And I really fucking miss people screaming as I waltz into their bedroom and use my claws to make them into pulled pork. I think I’m crying a little.
E: Is that blood??
P: Happy tears, no worries.
S: I’m excited to leave too, Perchta! Though I hope to never fall in love again. That was awful.
E: You’re going to love dating apps, then.
E: So, Frau Perchta. If you can help us, we need alcohol to loosen up Herbert. The truth will come out about current events, science, maybe even some true crime. Like, who killed JonBenét Ramsey? WHO DID IT?
S: Don’t push your luck, Elaine.
P [skeptical]: Seriously? Alcohol? You’re going to booze the man up to save the world?
E: To be fair to us, we have been drinking heavily.
S: Yes. Though as an immortal my tolerance is quite high.
E: I’m telling you, I don’t really feel it.
S: It will come.
P: You are both idiots. I enjoy the idea of watching you fail. And if you do, I will make you my little scare crows, filled with hay. It will symbolize our friendship. You’re welcome.
E: You are not doing that.
S: Oh, how delightful! I love making friends and here I have gone and made two in one day! Frau Perchta once tried to stab me with a fire poker but I sang to the woods and the goblins came and saved me. We already have so many inside jokes, hehe! How marvelous, indeed!
P: You annoy me. [Sighs in annoyance]. Come with me, I’ll show you to the brew. I call it Beaks and Horns.
The group travels to the back of Perchta’s cabin.
S: Wow, you have such…unique decorations!
P: Yes, I like to craft a lot. This floral sculpture was made from someone’s intestines. It’s one of my favorite pieces.
Here are my kegs. My brew has a high percentage so one canteen should do us fine for what you need.
E: Can I try some?
P: If you would like to go blind, then be my guest.
S: You brew a magic potion that causes blindness! How creative! I would love to borrow some if we ever get out of here so I can maim Lel. Now that I’ve released my anger, it’s occurred to me that he was a real…a real…
S: Yes! A giant, idiotic dick!
E: Thank you, Frau Perchta. We have our alcohol to get Herbert to tell the truth. Now we have to help the world understand cleaning and health regulations.
S: Oh! I just remembered. I have a collection of tiny brooms for my handmade dolls. I brought them back from the cave. They were my best friends and helped me keep the place tidy!
E: Thank you, Snegurochka, but I think we need something more heavy duty. I know a lot of your stories happened centuries ago before Lysol wipes and hand sanitizer. We may be stuck.
P: You need someone who is extremely clean? I know just the brute. It’s my job to make sure everyone keeps a tidy house, after all. This beast has the cleanest houses. He may be able to help you but [noise of disgust], I want nothing to do with him. You’ll go on your own.
S: Are you talking about…?
P: Yes. Now shut it, Pollyanna.
S: If you don’t go, he’ll think you’re too embarrassed to see him. You’ll look weak. Ha, yes! Weak! Pathetic! You’ll have lost! The biggest loser ever! He’ll think you’re–
P: SILENCE! I would rather shove my iron beak in a wood chipper than continue to listen to your senseless babble. I will go but for your sake, you better not make one more peep.
E [happily]: Great! Let’s go!
The trio walk through the snow and head over to a tiny cottage. Despite the snow, flowers bloom by the porch. A decorative gnome sits by the door and a “Home Sweet Home” mat sits before the door.
E: This is such a charming place! Does a sweet grandma live here?
Perchta [Bitterly]: Sniveling Peasant, go knock on the door.
Elaine mutters: My name is Elaine, you ugly goat bird.
Elaine knocks on the door. Cute music plays in the background. The door opens just a crack and twe hear the voice of what sounds like an ederly woman.
E: Hi! Um, I’m Elaine. I’m new here.
Krampus: Ohhh well welcome, deary. Have you been good this year, Elaine?
E: Uh, well, I’d like to think so.
Krampus: Oh, and look! The Ice Girl! Have youuuu been good this year?
S: Of course! I’m incredibly nice always!
The door flings open and Krampus roars, claws drawn, teeth gnashing.
Krampus: ROOAOAOAAAARRRHARHRHH. You LIE!
S and E respond in terror. Frau Perchta is unperturbed.
Krampus: Do you know what I do to bad people? I EAT THEM.
Elaine: I swear I’ve been good!
Krampus sniffs Elaine, grunts. Sniffs Snegurochka and gets mad.
K: It’s you. YOU ARE THE NAUGHTY ONE. I MUST NOW GOBBLE YOU UP.
S: No! I am so good! How is this even possible?
K: Your heart is no good, I can SMELL IT.
S giggles: This is a silly misunderstanding! You see, I don’t have a heart. It all started when I was being chased through the woods by a strange man–
K: No heart? NO GOOD. Your muddy boots have ruined my clean porch. I am IN A RAGE.
S terrified: I can wipe them on the mat!
K: THE MAT. IS. FOR. DECORATIVE. PURPOSES. ONLY. It is time for your PUNISHMENT!
Krampus roar-grumbles as he lurches toward S. We can have some fun audio play here.
E: Frau Perchta, come out from behind that bush and stop him!
P: I don’t know, this could be fun.
E: Are you serious?
P: I’m not a saint. I rip people open. It brings me joy.
E: Er…oh no.
P: Fine. [Makes a weird witch screech to the heavens]. Come, my Perchten! Come and dirty up this cottage! Spill wine on the carpets! Pour bleach on the wood floors! Bring hoards of termites to infest the walls!
Krampus: What? No, NO!
P: Fly my beasties, FLY.
Krampus: Stop! STOP. I just waxed the floor and cleaned the floor boards, you bitch!
P: I think you mean, WITCH!
K: Oh. OH. YOU!
P: Yes, it’s me. May your eyes bleed.
K: At least it would cover the sight of you.
P [disgruntled]: As much as I would love to watch these two be taken apart like Oma’s apfelkuchen at a family reunion where everyone hates each other and their only solace is to shove their face with pie…they need to not die. For now. At least.
K [cue sarcasm]: Well, when you put it that way, I guess I’ll coil up my chains and hang up my birch branches. I’m a changed Krampus. This Krampus will now only seek to do good. I will shimmy down chimneys and grant wishes to rich children. I’ll open up Krampus Camp, where good and bad children will come together and roast marshmallows, and hold hands, and sing loudly and off-key to the same three songs that are played every single Christmas. Jingle, jingle, jolly, jolly. Oh, ho, ho.
P: Are you done now?
K: No, you can never do enough good.
P [to S and E]: You’re fine. Krampus has entered one of his snark barks.
S: A snark bark sounds like a lovely dessert!
K: It is. The ingredients are sugar blossoms, pixie dust, and the corpse of a certain snow girl.
S: My name is actually Snegurochka. You’re right though, I am a snow maiden! [A tad more hysterical]. I don’t know why that’s so fucking hard for everyone to remember!! Hahahha!!!!
E: Snegurochka, now is not the time.
K: What brings you to my doorstep, Perchta? You swore you would never return. It was one of the nicest things you’ve ever done.
E: Were you friends or something?
P: Or something.
S [stage whisper]: I heard it didn’t go well. Working in the same industry put a strain on the relationship.
K: It tends to put a strain on the relationship when your partner tears open your stomach in the middle of the night and hides baked beans in your body as a prank.
P: That was a Merry Fartmas. [Dark chuckle].
K: You could never let it go that I was better than you.
P: Please, you are the most pathetic demonic creature I’ve come across.
K: Frau Cow.
Perchta: Krampus Poops His Pants.
P: Farm animal.
K: Anvil face.
P: You keep my beak out of this!
E: We do not have time for this! With each passing minute, Herbert gets closer to breaking the new year cycle. We can’t stay in 2020 forever under his rule. Who knows what he’ll do next.
K: Father Time? That asshole. I should have killed him when I had the chance. That was when I was trying to play the “good guy.” I tried to emulate Santa. I was hoping that would break my bind to this place. Turns out Frost Port wants the rotten to stay rotten. [Sarcasm]. I can’t lie though, I miss the warm-fuzzies that filled my heart each time I crafted a toy for each good girl and boy.
E: Is he serious? I can’t tell.
P: Krampus makes many lies. To fall for them. You’ll regret it.
E: Okay, well, while I appreciate that you and Krampus have a complicated past, I think we should think bigger picture so we can get my dog back, save the world, and time itself!
K [sarcastic]: Sounds easy.
E: We have a plan to get you out of here but we need your help Krampus?
K: Leave? Frost Port? But where would I get my daily dose of depression? They don’t want me on the outside, anyway. They want Saint Nicholas. Santa Clause. They love jolly old men who laugh in absurd ways. Santa has thousands of songs dedicated to him like Jolly Old Saint Nicholas, Here Comes Santa Clause, WAP…
Krampus ignores Elaine and continues: Santa has reindeer and his biggest trait is his belly. I have a high metabolism that prevents me from gaining this belly. Instead, I bring fear into children’s hearts, hit them with my birch branches, terrify them with my chains, and sometimes, sure, I eat them. And with no appreciation! I’ve been in Frost Port for a long time and watched Santa rise to fame. What would I be able to do now on the outside? His marketing team has saturated the industry. I’m nothing.
E: You do have one movie about you!
K: Is it good?
E: I haven’t seen it.
K: Of course.
E: But I didn’t think you were the kind of person..creature…to back down so easily. So what–Santa has all of the figurines and movies and songs. They’re all the same. Old news. Been there, done that. People are tired of it. And after 2020, we’re all leaning into chaos now more than ever. Krampus, you could be a huge hit this season. No one wants some fluffed up message from Santa. No, they want the bad ass, man-eater Krampus.
K: Are you telling me that your world is so horrible currently that my arrival would be welcome?
K: And that people would enjoy me terrorizing them?
E: Yes. We’re broken people.
K: That…would be marvelous, actually. I could finally pose for the cover of Horrific Creatures. Maybe even nude.
P: Don’t flatter yourself.
S: Oh my.
K: What is this feeling in my chest? It’s light, and fluttery, and…it tickles.
E: Dare I say it’s hope?
Krampus releases a roar-burp.
E: Sigh. I shouldn’t have expected more.
S: Excuse you.
K: I will rip your head off and eat it like a macron.
S: I…I apologize for your rudeness.
K: Can you get your tiny boots off of my mat? [Gasp!]. My succulents! You knocked them over. There’s dirt everywhere! [Angrily]How did this happen?
P: You did that during your tirade, you shit-for-brains Swiffer.
E: OKAY, okay! To defeat Father Time, we have to get him to spread the truth about coronavirus with science. The best thing we have on hand would be cleaning supplies. Do you have any you can donate to the cause?
K: DO I EVER!
Krampus shuffles around some buckets and items. He mutters to himself as he gathers these objects.
K: I’ve collected many cleaning products over the years to help make my murder scenes spotless. Bleach, Lysol, Febreze–Hawian Aloha, of course, chloroform – oh, wait, wrong supply kit…
E: Great. Bring your top three and let’s get going to Herbert’s castle. My dog is up there and she needs me!
The gang walks out into the snow. They find themselves at the bottom of the mountain. A bridge stands above a frozen river.
S: The river finally froze! I’ve always wanted to jump off the bridge and see if it would catch me!
E: Snegurochka, that’s a dumb idea.
S: That really hurt my feelings, Elaine. I’m fragile.
E: I’m sorry. You’re just…kind of annoying.
K: Couldn’t have said it better myself.
S: How dare you! How dare you all! I am good and kind, but don’t you forget I don’t have a heart. I can be cruel and merciless. I’ve had enough of your cruelty and badgering. Podoydi syuda [Poh-doi-dee soo-dah, “come here” in Russian], Hazel, my Spirit Reindeer! Let us leave these monsters to trek on foot as we fly toward the heavens, becoming one with the clouds. May the breeze carry us to our destiny and beyond!
The whinny (??) of a reindeer is heard from afar. Hazel comes into view, descending from the sky.
S: Good girl, Hazel. Now, let us away!
Hazel seems all fine until a burst of flames disintegrates Hazel (don’t worry, she’s made of snow and will morph back).
S: HAZEL! NO!
E: What the–
P: Krampus, get down!
K: Sorry, I didn’t mean to jump in your arms, I was just startled.
S: NYET, NYET, NYET! Who did this? [S turns around to face the group, rageful]. Which one of you slayed my reindeer? Was it you, Frau Perchta? You bitter old witch. Porridge is disgusting and you’re incredibly lame for loving it.
P: Oh, I will get you for that–
A snowball is thrown at Perchta’s face.
S: You have angered me! Do not dare underestimate my power ever again!
E: I mean, it was just a snowball, that’s not necessarily a power but–
S: HOW DARE YOU!
S throws a snowball at Elaine.
Suddenly, a voice is heard behind Snegurochka from under the bridge.
Little Match Girl [M]: That was satisfying.
S: Sofia, you fire harlot. It was one thing when you barred my door and tried to burn my hut down with me inside, but this may be the worst thing you have ever done!
M: Oh, get off it. Hazel will morph together in a few minutes, you know that.
S: It doesn’t make it any less tragic! Go back to live under your bridge, you troll.
M: Hey! If it isn’t Frau Perchta. I thought I told you to never comeback to my bridge, you Goat-Bird.
P [mocking]: Is sweet little girl scared?
M: Psh, n-no.
P: Not even after last time?
M: Yeah, it’s whatever.
P: When I split you open and stuffed you with hay?
E: Did you really do that?
M: She did. Hag.[To Elaine]: Who are you?
E: I’m Elaine. Apparently, I’m depressing enough to be stuck here with you all. Luckily, I’m about to turn this story into a heroic epic to save my dog, the world, and…shit, I’ve said this so many times I forget what else I’m doing.
Krampus: I think you said something about time itself at some point. Honestly, I don’t know. I’ve only known you for a few minutes and it’s very easy to ignore you when you begin speaking. Especially when Frau Perchta’s hideous face is so distracting.
P: Foul beast. Eat shit.
M [incredulously]: You think you can leave Frost Port?
E: That’s the plan.[Notices Sofia’s getup]. You’re just wearing a dress and have no shoes. Aren’t you cold?
M: Yes. In fact, I froze to death on the streets.
E: You’re dead?
M: Yes, thought I came back here. I have a body but I’m a ghost of sorts.
E: Hold up. Are you a murder Christmas story? Because we already have two terrifying characters in this group and I feel incredibly endangered already without adding a third blood thirsty member.
M: Oh, no worries! My story is incredibly depressing.
E: Great! Keep going, then.
M: Before I died, I had all I have are these stupid matches no one would buy. They were the only income I could make. My mother was awful and my dad was mean, so I didn’t go home when I had no money to show him. I stayed on the streets as the sun went down and the snow fell. No one would look me in the eye because I was so poor that their eyes would bleed if they glimpsed my face. No one wanted matches either because they started getting electricity. As though candles weren’t a thing. Idiots. So they left me without money, and no food, and no coat, and no shoes. I went to an alleyway and burned my matches one by one to try to stay warm. With each match, I had a vision of a happier time. Some of them happened in my life, others were dreams I wished could be true. I tried to sleep through the night, but I never woke up. But I did see my grandmother one last time. She held me in her arms. We were about to go to heaven when I was torn away from her and thrown into Frost Port. I’ve been alone living under this bridge ever since. Burning things to pass the time. I love burning things. It makes me feel powerful.
E: That might be the most depressing thing I’ve ever heard. Except for the pyromaniac stuff, that was creepy.
M: I know. Me, an innocent little girl left to die.
Krampus starts sniffing: You’re not innocent…you’re a BAD GIRL. YOU MUST SUFFER FOR YOUR CONSEQUENCES!
Perchta: No, she’s MINE. I MUST FINISH THE JOB I STARTED. I WANT TO PUT NASTY STICKS IN HER LUNGS. LET ME STUFF HER LIKE A TURKEY.
M: I will burn your simple-minded brains to the ground, eat your ashes, and shit them out. Little Match Girl Sofia will never be wronged by adults ever again!
S: I dislike you.
M: I’m fire and you’re ice. Who do you think wins that battle?
S: We can find out! I’ve discovered the feeling of ANGER. AND IT IS A WONDEROUS FEELING.
E: Okay, cool it everybody! Sofia, we’re about to go stop Herbert from controlling Frost Port. You could be free. Do you want to join us?
M: Can I burn things?
E: Um, I think it depends. You can’t burn us. Or my dog.
M: This sounds less fun, but it snowed and all the trees are too damp to catch fire. Hm…when I’m free, will there be things I can burn? Big things?
E: Uh, sure.
M: Then I’m in!
E: And Snegurochka, are you going to travel on foot with the rest of us or would you like to throw a tantrum and attempt to fly away again?
S makes incoherent grumbles.
E: Great. Let’s get a move on.
Dramatic music plays as our heroes climb up the mountain. We can do some squabbles if we’d like. The team finally makes it to the top of the mountain out of breath.
E: Wow, that was quick.
P: Yet, exhausting.
S: I feel alive!
P: Don’t make me change that.
E: Look, the castle!
Scary music plays, suddenly cut off as Krampus says:
K: Yes, we know, Elaine. It’s big. It’s a giant stone building. It’s twenty feet away from us.
E: I just wanted to make sure we were all on the same page.
P: Duck down you fools! The guards will see you.
E: There’s only two of them. You’d think as a member of the Time Guild, Herbert would have secured this place.
S: That one guard has something on its head. It reminds me of the time a royal man threw spices and coins and the girls in the village and-
E: Let’s hide behind that convenient boulder that’s right by the guards so we can figure out a way to move past them!
The group is huddled behind this convenient boulder as they listen to the two guards speak.
Karen: I didn’t ask you to sell your pocket watch, Kevin!
Kevin: Karen, how else was I supposed to afford those hair combs you wanted so badly? Not that you need them anymore. You look like a badger that got caught in a blender.
Karen: I will have you know that this is a style that commands attention and respect. When I walk into a store, the employees tremble because they know that I have power. Before, they wouldn’t even hear me out when I told them they didn’t have enough cash registers open. Now? They cower in terror as I march through their doors.
Kevin: Karen, you’ve gotten us banned from three Trader Joe’s. Walmart has a mugshot of you hung up on their wall.
Karen: As they should! I wouldn’t have needed to get my haircut if you just stood up for yourself once in a while. If I didn’t demand the best, we’d have nothing. You barely got us this promotion.
Kevin: You know for a fact that we’re lucky Herbert gave us gate duty. I saved you from cleaning out the big cat’s cage all day long. The cat should have his own perfume line since he’s perfected the spray, delay, walk away.
Karen: Well, a lot of good that’s done for us. Stupid Christmas. I save up to get you something nice because I idiotically wanted to treat you, and you always carry around that stupid pocket watch like you’re some dumb train conducter waiting to send children to Platform 9 ¾. So what do I do? I sell my long, lucious hair so I can afford to get you a stupid gold chain for your stupid pocket watch that now DOESN’T EVEN EXIST. All my hair–gone! For you! And you have the AUDACITY to turn around and say that I’m the one in the wrong!
Kevin: Oh, WELL THEN. I guess I’m the idiot for having to sacrifice something of mine–AGAIN–to fulfill your DEMANDS. That pocket watch has been passed down in my family for five generations. Five. And it was all for nothing because both of our gifts are completely useless now. Just like your supposed “amazing” credit score, Karen.
The group looks at each other.
E: Are they The Gift of the Magi?
S: Oh, I’ve heard about them. I thought it was a love story. They seem…rude. Mean. Rude meanies.
E: Yeah, that’s definitely not the version I’m familiar with. They’re at each other’s throats.
K eagerly: Did you say we can slit their throats?
P: If we get to slit their throats, then I get to harvest their organs!
E: Guys, no! I mean, if we get desperate I’m not completely against that method because I’m not sure what the morals are on brutally murdering fictional char cters but…no. Let’s try to do this in a peaceful way.
M: Okay, I have an idea that’s harmless.
E: Let’s hear it.
M: I light myself on fire and run at them screaming.
An awkward pause. We can all do awkward mutters of wtf.
E: …um, how would that work, exactly?
M: Perchta made me into a human scarecrow, right? So with my h y body, I can burn myself in a fiery glory and run them off.
S: This sounds fun! Can I do it, too?
E: No! No you cannot do that, Snegurochka. God, did you also not have a brain along without a heart?
S: You don’t need a brain when you’re as powerful as I am. That seems to be how it works in your world as well.
K: Okay, if the little girl gets to burn them, can I then slit their throats?
M: I’m not burning them, I’m just scaring them off.
P: I don’t like my organs charred. Perhaps I should go first? I brought my knife.
E: Holy christ, that’s a fucking sword, Perchta!
K: Well, I have my birch branches!
K pulls out a broom made of birch. It’s less impressive than Perchta’s sword.
E: Branches? That’s not really that impressive.
K: Are my puny branches pathetic to you now?
Karen hears the noise! Le gasp!
Karen: Who’s there? I’ll yell at you until you cry!
E: Shit, shit, shit.
P: You idiotic stick gatherer!
E: Sofia, you won’t die if you do this?
M: I’m already dead!
E: Then GO!
M lights herself on fire and laughs maniaclly. She runs out towards Karen and Kevin screaming.
M: I AM THE CHILD OF SATAN COME TO COLLECT YOUR SOULS.
Karen: Oh my GOOOOOOSH.
Kevin: Ah, AH, AHHHH!
Karen shoves Kevin toward Sofia.: Take him instead! Take him instead!
Kevin: Karen, what the hell! AHHHH.
Karen and Kevin safely run away. Sofia turns around and waves.
M: I did it!
S: Oh no, look! She’s turning to ash!
M: That was the high of a lifetime. I feel so ALIVE!
E: You’re…you’re like, burning away, Sofia.
M looks down at herself: Oh. That’s embarrassing. I’m disintegrating.
S: I’d offer my assistance but you’ve BURNED me too many times. [Giggles].
M: Nah, it’s okay. I’ll reappear under the bridge. This isn’t the first time I’ve burnt away. I once tickled Heat Miser. Don’t ever do that. He doesn’t like to be tickled. He doesn’t deserve love.
E: O-oh, okay. Goodbye then?
M: Oh, yep. There I goooooo….. [Fades away].
S [under breath]: Crispy bitch.
K grumbles: She scared them off.
P: I never liked her anyway.
K: Who even sells matches?
P: Peasants. Disgusting, slimy peasants.
S: While I think your words are harsh, I agree that peasants aren’t the most pleasant people. They smelled bad and had a knack of harassing me for my beauty.
K [Sarcastically]: Rough life.
E: Let’s storm the castle, Grimm Weepers!
S: What did you just call us?
E: I thought I’d try out a group name. No?
Percha: I would rather have my Perchton minions chase me in a hunt and throw me into a pond of maggots than associate with that name.
S: I’d rather we don’t call ourselves something so…so…idiotic.
Krampus scoffs at Elaine’s suggestion.
E: Fine. Tally-ho!
The group storms the castle. Because I’m tired of writing this god damn manuscript, the Grimm Weepers are going to find Herbert’s room a-okay.
E [whispers]: There he is! And Fern!
Herbert: Aha! Everything is going according to plan, Ficus. Your master is trapped in a depressing town for eternity and you’re trapped here with your cure for the Coronavirus. Life must be RUFF for you! [Evil giggles].
Herbert [Mocking]: Oh, no! Is the little dog beast sad about her cage? Is the little dog beast sad that she’ll never see her owner again? [Powerful voice]. Well, that’s just TOO DAMN BAD. You know what I’m going to do with you? I’m going to brainwash you into loving ME. That’s what I did to Jingles, the murderous Yule Cat from Iceland. He is now MINE. That’s right–soon, you’ll be wagging your tail when you see me and giving me lovey-wovies and I’ll give you boops on your snoot and….[incoherent baby talk. Stops abruptly realizing he’s lost himself]. Ahem. Right. Before that, I need to wipe your memory clean so you’ll forget everything–including your owner.
E: Not so fast, Herbert.
Herbert gasps: You! What are you doing here?
P: Oh, little Herbert. I would have stuffed you with shit long ago if you weren’t already full of it.
H: Frau Perchta? You foul creature. How dare you enter my castle!
K: Someone has been a naughty, naughty boy.
K [Pulls out birch branches menacingly]: You remember my birch branches? When you had an accident on my gardenias? I whacked you with my birches until you peed yourself.
H: I did no such thing!
K: Did too!
H: Did not!
K: Did too!
S: Gentlemen, please!
H [pause]: Who are you?
S: …you don’t know me?
H: No. Are you a Guardian of Mayonnaise or something? You’re so pasty white.
S: I will have you know I am a demi-god! I am the Snow Maiden!
H: Doesn’t ring a bell.
S: I didn’t have a heart and I asked for one and then immediately died from love to symbolize winter turning into spring?
S [rage increases]: I am IMPORTANT. In my country, the people LOVE ME. I even survived the Soviet Union and had a gig watching over children during New Years Eve. And you dare not remember my TRAGEDY? Did I die for NOTHING?
H: I guess so.
S throws a magical snowball at Herbert.
H: Ouch! Where did that snowball come from?
S: My ASS!
E: You’re going down, Father Time. Your plan is ruined.
H: Ha! You think you can stop me! Look at the hourglass–you’ve run out of time. It’s December 31st.
E: What? I’ve only been here for a few hours!
H: Perhaps. But time can work in mysterious ways, especially if you’re the one who controls it. [More evil laughter].
S: The sand! It’s almost filled the bottom half of the hourglass!
H: Good job, Mayonnaise Maiden. See, when I don’t turn the hourglass here in a few minutes,the year will come to a stand still and I will be the eternal Father of Time! It’s been so easy manipulating the human race. A few Facebooks posts, some photoshopped pictures, a leader who spreads the lies…it was almost too easy. No one trusts anyone anymore and they’re all so busy fighting each other that they can’t even notice that their world is about to live in an eternal Hell!
E: You can’t do this!
H: Oh, but I can! You fools thought those two guards were my only protection? My zoo is at the ready. In fact, my nastiest creature is on her way with this little bell.
A tiny bell jingles. Herbert gives an evil laugh.
Perchat unsheathes her knife.
P: Your tiny bell is pathetic. Time to slice!
H: As if! [Ominous thunder cracks from above]. I’m part of the Time Guild. I am the Father of Time. You think you can simply walk up to me and–
H: OUCH HEY!
P: You always did go on with your speeches.
Some uncomfortable slicing sounds oops.
H: Ouchy, you’re hurting me!
P: Witchcraft. AHHAHAHAHHA! Goodbye, kidneys. Lungs? [Takes a nibble]. Ooph, oh no. You vape too much. AHEHEHEHEH INTENSTINES! This will make for a nice boa!
H: Get off of me!
E: Krampus, can you throw me up to the hourglass?
Krampus makes a weird grunt lol. Elaine lands on top of the hour glass where she can now pour in the ingredients.
E: Fraut Perchta, the booze!
P: FLY MY PRETTY!
P throws the bottle and Elaine catches it. I really hate how many sound effects I’ve created for myself.
E: Thanks! [To herself] The sand is muddy and dirty from Herbert’s evil rule. I’ll just open the top part of the hourglass and pour the alcohol into the sand…yes, it’s working! The sand is changing colors!
A loud meow. The Yule Cat has arrived.
H: Jingles! Get these heinous creatures! And don’t eat my organs!
K [brings out chains]: Not today, Yule Cat! It’s time you got domesticated. See these shiny chains? Yes…oh, look! There it goes! [Yule Cat makes silly meows as it plays with Krampus’ chains]. And over here! Good kitty. Oop! There it goes!
H: Jingles! Stop playing and start maiming! UGH. Why do I feel sick?
E: The sands of time are changing, which means you’re feeling it too!
Sewing sounds as P puts Herbert back together.
P: There. Stitched and sloshed.
E: Time to tell the truth, Herbert.
H [slurred]: The truth? Ha! Coronavirus isn’t real…isn’t…isn’t safe. [Hiccup]. Math is math, United States. And 5G is real.
E: Wait what?
H: It’s real. It’s so real.
E: Well shit.
H: You…what…why am I saying this? I have the strongest craving to eat a burrito and sing a Mariah Carey song at the top of my lungs.
E: Krampus, clean him out!
K: Here kitty, kitty [throws chains far away] GO GET IT!
H: Jingles! I gave you wet food! I pretended to love you! Why are you running away??
K: Herbert, you’re about to get Marie Kondo’d so hard that I’ll spark PAIN!!
E: Pass me the hand sanitizer!
K throws the hand sanitizer to Elaine. We hear her squirt it into the sand.
E: The sand…it’s getting lighter! We’re almost there!
K: Eat birch!
Krampus proceeds to hit Herbert with his birch branches.
H: Ow! Ow! Stop it! I feel…I feel clean? Yes, I’m….clean and have reduced the chances of getting COVID…no. No, that information is out now. The people…they might believe it…no, 2020 is gaining hope. NO. NOOO!
Herbert makes a grunt as he knocks over a cleaning liquid, tripping up Krampus. I’d love for Krampus to make a silly fall noise.
H [Runs over to Fern]. You’ll pay for this, or should I say your dog! [Ominous thunder sounds. Fern whimpers]. I’ll strike your dog with lightning if you don’t back away! She’s MINE NOW. Don’t even think of going near her cage!
E: Fern! No!
H: Looks like your plan failed after all!
E: No! This can’t be happening.
S: I will not standby as an innocent bear is harmed!
E: She’s a dog, Snegurochka.
S: I will save your bear! HAZEL, MY SPIRIT REINDEER. PRANCE TO ME!
The winds howl as the majestic spirit reindeer crashes through the wall and breaks Fern out of her cage. Fern growls with rage.
H: The beast! It’s free!
Fern jumps on Herbert and bites him.
H: Argh! Ouch! Away, beast! Away! That’s it! MY ZOO, MY CREATURES, YOU ARE FREE. WREAK HAVOC.
Scary war music plays and then…a bunch of turtles come out.
P: Are those turtles? Twelve turtles? That is your zoo?
H: Ravage them, my beauties!
E: You made a mistake, Herbert. Fern LOVES turtles. Go get ‘em, Fernie!
Fern barks and gets to work. You’re probably regretting being a part of this, aren’t you?
S: Quick! We have to turn the hourglass–there’s hardly any sand left!
Elaine runs over and exerts herself trying to turn it.
E: I got this! I…hehehe. Oh, wow, everything is kind of blurry. Heh.
The vodka has finally hit Elaine.
P: What are you doing? Use those flabby arms and spin this thing. I did not give up my evening porridge for you to wimp out!
E: I’m…like, I’m a leeeeetle tipsy right now and my hands just…they aren’t. They won’t do the thing. The hands they…Oh man, the spins.
S: Oh no, the vodka! I told you it would come!
E: I got this! I’m just gonna step up here and oh-oh-woah!
Elaine is about to fall in!
K: She’s going to fall in!
P: Go get her, Krampus!
K: I have cloven hooves for hands. I can’t climb, you imbecile.
K: What the hell? Did that dog create a sled out of those turtles?
P: And are those turtles flying?
S: And the Fern plant is driving the sleigh of turtles? In the air?
H: My magical, flying turtles! Come back down here at once!
E: I’m gonna fall in! [Fern barks and grabs Elaine.] Ahhhh oh! Fern you caught me with your flying turtle sleigh! I feel like I’m too drunk to comprehend that. Okay, grab with your paws and I’ll grab with my hands. Turn the hourglass! NOW!
The hourglass turns. YAY!
H: No, NO! You can’t have stopped me!
A bell rings out that it’s midnight, and officially 2021.
H: Thunder! Lightening! Hiya! [Nothing happens]. My powers…they’re gone!
E: Fern! Good girl! Fly us down! Good girl…ooop, ugh, just a tad slower with less turns…oh god.
The sound of flying turtles landing on the ground. Idk how the fuck I’m going to edit that sound but this is happening and I regret it heavily. Elaine dismounts the turtle sleigh (steps off?). I don’t even fucking care.
Herbert wails/cries: Noooo, no no no noooo [etc.].
E: [Hiccups]. Excuse me. So, what do we do with him? Can we make him release you from Frost Port?
B: He can’t, but I can. Sup bitches, it’s Baby fuckin’ New Year.
That’s right: Baby New Year of 2021 has entered the building, hoes.
H [trying to sound mighty but is exhausted and pathetic]: 2021! Go the fuck away! You can’t stop me!
B [snaps fingers]: Look at that. I just took your Time Guild membership away. Now you’re nothing more than a cranky old man that everyone hates.
H: Ack! No!
B: As for you all, you’ve saved the world. I shall grant everyone freedom from Frost Port. May all your stories be shared!
E: Baby New Year, thhhhhhank you!
S [Russian]: Dah!
P: Finally, FRESH MEAT WILL BE AT MY FINGERTIPS!
B: Elaine, here–have this candy cane. It will take you back to your home. My hope is to turn around the mess that Herbert has made of 2020. Oh, and here [snaps]. That should take care of your intoxication.
E: Ooh! Thank you, Baby New Year. That means a lot.
B: Herbert, I banish you.
H: You can’t banish me!
B: Think again, loser. [Baby New Year snaps his fingers.]
H: Noooo….. [He disappears].
S: Where did you take him?
H: A far away land where he can’t disturb anyone: Gary, Indiana.
Everyone makes sounds of agreement.
E: Wait! Fern, tell Baby New Year the cure for COVID!
E: Are you fucking serious? Inject Lysol into our veins? Fern, that was debunked ages ago and also is common sense not to do. We got into this mess all because of that?
E: What do you mean the Air Bud Science Academy isn’t accredited? Do you know how much I’m spending to send you there?
K: Frau Perchta….Perky…now that we’re free, I’ve been thinking a lot about…us.
K: I think we have a lot of similar interests. It’s been a while since we’ve been out on the town, so to speak. It’d be nice to not be alone. Would you, uh, like to grab dinner sometime?
P: What will we have?
K: I know some bad kids in Florida.
P: Fine. I will go on this date. Do not expect anything.
Yule Cat enters the hallway purring.
P: It seems you have made a new friend.
K: Hello, Yule Cat. As charming as the name Jingles was, I’d rather name you Chlorox.
P: That is an awful name.
K: Well, you look awful.
A few seconds of squabbles. I’ll use that as background for this next part:
E: Snegurochka, what will you do now that you’re free?
S: I think I will build my own cave and avoid love at all costs, similar to how you live!
E: Oh, well I actually try to date–
S: [Sympathetic] Of course you do. I miss my wood goblins and bears. I’m excited to wander the streets and watch children cry as they hear my story.
E: Good for you, Snegurochka… [Elaine addresses the group]. I just wanted to say thank you to you all. I judged you when I first came here, but it turns out that sadness and fear can be powerful and destroy anything!
E: Oh, that does sound like an awful moral to a story.
S: As it should be: the perfect ending to your tragic Christmas story.
P: Goodbye, sniveling one. Do not cross me–I would hate to stuff you with manure. I mean, I would love to. I’ve tried really hard to resist doing so this entire time. I….nevermind. I should stop talking.
K: If you’re ever in Eastern Europe, let us know.
E: After this, I probably won’t but thank you anyway.. I’ll miss you all, in a weird sort of way.
E: Okay, then. I’ve got the Candy Cane ready, and Fern. Thanks for all your help guys.
Everyone says farewell.
E: Here we goGOGOGOgogogogoOG.
The mystic swirling begins again and Elaine finds herself back at her home, in her living room with Fern.
E: Man, Fern that was wild. I still can’t believe you thought you had the cure for COVID-19. I guess that’s what we get for trusting a doggy, huh?
E: Hah, aww good girl. Oh, looks like we still have some bourbon left! Want some?
E: Merry Christmas, Fern. and Happy New Year.
Music swells and this thing is finally over.